rain/firsts/returning

I love the rain. The way the breeze smells as the clouds arrive; the way it sounds falling on a roof and gurgling in the gutters; the way the air looks so clean afterwards.

I can't believe it's been 2 months since my last post. We have to move house against our will, one of the many perils of being a tenant in this country. We've been looking for weeks on end, and haven't found a new home yet. It has taken over everything, put all my plans on hold, filled me with vague, hovering anxieties.

But a new year is upon us, and I think this one will be filled with firsts for me. There may be nothing new under the sun, but there are always firsts. First kisses and the first time you notice the colour of someone's eyes. First times for seeing yourself differently, for waking up to the beauty in the world.

May your 2011 be full of lovely firsts.

sailing into the sunset

Uncrowning

Last year I lost ten kilos, grew my hair and started dating. This year I've sworn off dating, gained ten kilos and cut my hair. Several times.

If hair is a woman's crowning glory, what does it mean when it's gone? Is she less a woman, not feminine, making a statement, seeking change? Is she suddenly edgier, more interesting, sexier, less soft?

Hair and grief have a long history together. I only have to look around to find it. This week I learned that my aunt's new partner shaved off his facial hair after 30 years... and a divorce. I have made an art of cutting mine off. If l look back at my many haircuts, I can find a heartbreak - small or large - to match most.

The body of a tree records everything that happens to it, lays down history in the rings of its trunk. Seasons of growth, debilitating droughts, lush summers. A wound in the trunk of a tree will leave evidence, even if it's only a ripple in one year's archive.

Our hair does the same, showing the history of our bodies, our health or unwellness. Wouldn't it include our emotions, our memories too? It might explain why so many turn to scissors after ending relationships, a death, giving up a way of life. Declaring ourselves fit for a fresh start and unburdened by the past. Revealing that we have a past worth cutting off.

Slow remembering

Remember how good it feels to just stop... look away from your destination from a moment and revel in where you are... to come home and slow down... to breathe and remember who you are without the rush.

Clingy

I love how stubbornly life clings in impossible places.